


Ronin's Fanwank

by 47ronin100



Category: A Nightmare on Elm Street (Movies 1984-1994), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Jurassic Park Original Trilogy (Movies), Phantasm (Movies), Rocky Series (Movies), The Evil Dead (1981 2013), Trancers
Genre: Ableist Language, Blood and Gore, Crossover, Explicit Language, FWUCollections, Gen, Homophobic Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-10 22:12:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18416891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/47ronin100/pseuds/47ronin100
Summary: A day in the life of an idiot named Patrick who opened several doors into other universes, where iconic fictional characters exist. These characters step out of their respective worlds and interact with reality, with unforeseeable consequences. Now Patrick must contend with heroes and villains alike as the barriers between the fictional world and the real world shatter, all the while trying and failing to win over a girl...who isn't real.





	Ronin's Fanwank

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: And here is my second fanfic I ever wrote, one that I posted back in January of 2016, one of the worst years of my life. Some background to explain what the Hell this story is. Basically, I had this idea gestating in my brain long after Deathly Hallows. I thought to myself, maybe this would make a good fanfic! A young man is able to go into these movies as alternate universes, the barriers between fiction and reality collapsing, a la Last Action Hero (or Purple Rose of Cairo if you wanna piss me off). And he would have great adventures and serious trials and crazy shit. Basic wish fulfillment fantasy that was harmless.
> 
> Look, I thought I was being original, not realizing that everyone on the internet had the same idea. But then this story started to take a personal turn and suddenly, I needed to make it my own. One that I'm still working on as I type this. So what I did was change the names and personalities of the characters that I wrote, mostly because it stopped being a full fledged fanfic and because I don't wanna get sued when I publish it.
> 
> Yes, the main character is based on myself or as close to myself as I can make him. Even if it's an idealized self funnily enough. His friend was based on someone who I knew in real life and yeah, his character's stuff is pretty offensive, dropping slurs left and right. In the story his character was supposed to have this arc where he stopped being such an ass of a bigot and become a better version of himself. But you know how the old saying goes.
> 
> Stuff like that only happens in the movies, kid.
> 
> I won't go into it but suffice to say it hurts to read this sometimes, knowing where my real life friendship was headed. Like I said, 2016 was one of the worst years of my life. But that's life.
> 
> If it wasn't obvious, I had a crush on Emma Watson and this was part of my wish fulfillment fantasy. My character and Hermione (aged appropriately by the way, just so you don't get any ideas that I am a lech) were to have this Moonlighting type of relationship. Of course that was back then and I have since grown out of that crush. So you can read this to your own amusement and my sheepish embarrassment. Originally, my character was to have internalized ableism since he, like me, is on the spectrum. With the help of Hermione, he would realize that he isn't lesser for being autistic and she would self actualize from the existential dilemma that she is a fictional character, becoming more than just an archetype and coming into her own.
> 
> Also the fact I included various other characters from other works, coming together as sort of group of heroes, like the Avengers, and having them not only go off on adventures but also just hanging out, y'know. Just like regular folks and deconstructing them like I did with Hermione...only to reconstruct them as they save the day.
> 
> So basically this is a blueprint. And a What If had I continued writing this fic, so to speak.
> 
> Enjoy

"...And? What happens next? Patrick, is this how you're ending the story?"

The afternoon sun shone through the windows of the Carl's Jr., or as it's known in some places, Hardees, as a stack of papers sat on top of a table. The fast food restaurant was more or less empty save for a few customers. A pair of frustrated parents were dealing with their crying boy while they tried ordering their food. An old man in line looked at the display with so much contempt that he snapped at the kid to shut up. This led to an argument between the boy's parents and the old man. The stack of papers had some greasy fingerprints on them, having been touched by greasy hands, after handling greasy fries and a greasy burger. The ice cubes had started to melt into the medium sized sodas, watering down the taste.

Erwin burped, causing a pair of teenage girls in the booth behind him to giggle obnoxiously. He ran out of napkins so he wiped his greasy hands on his black cargo pants. "So that's the ending then? His daughter dies?"

Patrick whispered so low that his friend could barely hear him. "Uh, yeah, uh, his kid dies and that's the end."

"What was that, bro, speak up." Erwin adjusted his glasses.

"I said that yeah, he loses his daughter. Kind of a shocker ending, right?" Patrick almost grinned as he felt pretty proud of himself. He took a bite out of his burger.

"So this also means Jack dies as well?

"Huh?" Patrick sipped his root beer.

"I mean, he's from the future and his daughter is his ancestor so yeah, he would cease to exist." Erwin shuffled the papers of Patrick's story together and slid them across the table. "Yeah, that's really bleak."

"Yeah, it totally is but that's why I like it. Because there's no sappy bullshit happy ending. Because that's life, man-"

"Jesus, not this again," Erwin sighed.

"-and in real life, the hero doesn't get the girl, he doesn't kill all the bad guys, and he doesn't even save the day. Hell, he's probably not even a hero, more likely the villain! I mean, take a look at the world around us. What do you see? Pollution, war, famine, government corruption, genocide, and everything else self-destructive that humanity is so fucking good at doing. And nobody cares about any of that because they're so damn wrapped up in getting their next pay check or watching reality TV shows or the next big blockbuster comic book movie or celebs giving or getting blowjobs in public! Apathy! Everyone is so apathetic! So I say fuck it, I'm going to write something real. As real as it fucking gets."

"Dude, you wrote a fanfiction about a time travelling cop from the future who kills zombies. There is nothing real about that. Also, you're paying the next meal."

"Like hell I will. I'm saving up my cash."

"Ha, what's this about people too focused on getting their next pay check now?" Erwin chuckled.

"Okay, one, I don't have a bank account and a job and two, I'm gonna check out that Allmart over in San Marcos?"

Erwin merely smirked. "Yeah, this movie, uh, wouldn't happen to be-"

"It's not a porno so don't you start," Patrick retorted.

"Also, 'Darkness never dies, no matter how many times you kill it'? The fuck kind of emo nonsense is that?" Erwin had pulled out his Nintendo 3DS and started playing a game on it. "You never did return my other 3DS you borrowed, by the way."

Patrick cringed. He hadn't told Erwin yet that he busted the damn thing. "Um, I don't have it on me today but I will get it back to you day after tomorrow."

Erwin grunted as he was immersed in the game. "You said that the last three times."

Changing the subject, Patrick said, " Yeah, yeah, I promise this time I will. Okay, I guess when you uh say that line out loud, it does sound kind of...lame. I'll be sure to change it."

"And another thing, dude, MP5's aren't machine guns, they're submachine guns. There's a huge difference. And you got a bunch of typos. And that twist where Jack's ex-wife is a trancer is really dumb. And-"

"OKAY, I get the message, you really don't need to tell me every frickin' thing that's wrong with the story!" Patrick snapped a little too loudly as he tapped his left foot. The teens stopped giggling and stared at Erwin's and Patrick's table.

"Hey, how about you relax. Can we not get kicked out again," Erwin said.

Patrick, annoyed at the two girls staring at them, ignored him and said, "Why don't you mind your own business. Go back to talking about sucking Justin Bieber's cock or whatever it is you fucking idiots do these days."

The two girls, on the verge of tears, immediately got up and left their table. Erwin kept silent for an uncomfortably long time before saying, "So, uh, what the fuck is your problem, man."

"What, I just told them to mind their business. They had it coming," Patrick said as he shuffled in his seat.

"You went off on them for no reason whatsoever. The way you've been acting has gotten us kicked out at other places. Seriously, what the fuck."

"You fucking kidding me? Why aren't you seeing that they weren't minding their own business." Patrick's voice rose a bit higher and the other patrons were looking at them now.

"Dude, you're making a scene. Lower your voice."

Flustered, Patrick replied. "Don't tell me what to do. I hate it when you do that."

"If you can't control yourself then I'm just gonna get up and leave like last time."

Patrick sat there fuming. "Fine."

"This shit has got to stop. Really." Erwin picked up his food tray to throw away his trash. "You need to have some sex, man. What about Emma Watson? Haven't you been hitting that sweet ass?"

The old man, overhearing this and clearly disgusted, said, "Hey, you mind keeping it down, buddy?"

Erwin ignored the old man and Patrick sighed as he endured the embarrassment from his friend. "Can you just not, man. And quit calling her that! She's not Emma Watson, dude. She fucking hates being called that and you know it."

"She looks and sounds like Emma Watson. So I'm gonna call her that. I mean I could call her Foxylene Siouxsie Angel du Dehors but I don't think you'd like that, eh?" Erwin grinned mischievously as Patrick glared at him.

"No, I haven't even talked with her. She kind of hates my guts right now. I mean, she did lose her entire world and everybody she ever loved so...I'm pretty sure sex is the last thing on her mind." Patrick stood up and went outside, Erwin following him. "I mean, I really don't blame her and she moved out so I don't know what she's up too. And you know when she disappears, she fucking becomes a ghost."

"How hard is it to find her? She probably didn't move that far anyway."

Patrick walked in the direction to where the sprinter would take him to San Marcos. "I don't think it's sinking in your brain yet that Hermione Granger can easily disappear just like that."

* * *

 

The sun still shone high up in the sky as Patrick and Erwin walked through the Allmart doors. The air conditioning cooled Patrick down after having walked for a mile in the sun. They went to the movie section and looked through the Blu-rays and DVD's. Patrick looked around, not really watching where he was going when he bumped into a girl. "Oh I'm so sorry for...oh, it's you."

He didn't recognize the girl facing him, dressed in goth clothing, with her pixie haircut and black dyed hair, but that familiar posh English accent stood out. "...Hermione? Is that you? You look different. I mean, you look better, not that you didn't look good before but I can barely...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound like a jackass but I do, don't I?"

She stared at him. "You always mess up everything, don't you?"

Patrick felt like his stomach had a hole in it. Now all of the guilt that he could barely hold back on a daily basis tore through him as he remembered her scratching and hitting him as Patrick pulled her back from the door leading to her reality, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, as it collapsed into the void where those beings that shouldn't exist dwelt. Her peals of scream echoed as Erwin slammed the door with his foot because his hands were full with the flamethrower, as Patrick dragged her the hallways of doors that led into other realities as the door leading to Hogwarts dissolved into nothing as those things poured out and pursued them through the corridors. By then she had gone catatonic and motionless that Patrick struggled to keep her moving. The trio jumped through several doors and into several universes until they had lost them. When they made it back home, it became worse for her as she found out the truth about her life.

_That was six months ago. Man, it still feels like yesterday. Can't believe she bounced back from all of that. I still have those nightmares about them and I don't know how I'd ever handle the fact that my life was dictated by someone who writes children's books, Patrick thought. Or maybe the creator didn't just dream it up. Maybe she simply had a dream or a split second thought that was actually the other world peeking through a window and she noticed it momentarily before the window closed shut. She'd forget what happened until she would remember to write it down. But then, anything Harry Potter disappeared from the real world, as if it never existed. Because it fell into-_

"The void." Hermione said, finishing his train of thought. Because she could very easily read people's minds.

"Um, you did that occuwhatever thing again, didn't you?"

"Legilimency actually." She looked at him with suspicion. "What are you doing here?"

Patrick seemed to have forgotten why he was there. "I was just looking for...this movie!"

He picked a random title and took it off the shelf, not even looking at the cover.

"You like Trancers then? Never knew you to be a big Trancers fan." Hermione said as she started looking through her special bag. Patrick took a quick glance at the movie he grabbed and found it odd that he happened to pick the movie that he wrote a fanfic of. _Then a thought popped up in his mind. Jack Deth could be very real, couldn't he? If Harry Potter existed, then surely-_

"Well then that would be retarded," Patrick blurted before realizing he spoke out loud. "Sorry. So, uh, I take it this whole get up is the new you, then? 'Cause this doesn't seem like you-"

Hermione didn't even bother looking up as she pulled out a shiny box. "What? No, I'm undercover. I've been with this group of kids who may have found a door over here. And this Oztklplm is going to help me find it."

"How do you even pronounce-wait, so the reason you left, why you haven't called is because you were busy playing secret agent? I am so confused."

The box started to blink green lights and Hermione started to move quickly so Patrick had to catch up with her. "Why are you following me? Go away."

"You're gonna need some back up here, so I'm coming along." Patrick said, still holding onto the Trancers Blu-ray. Hermione stopped by the TV section. Five goth kids with various piercings and dark clothing crowded around one of the HDTV's as the picture started to have some compression artefact. Two of the goth group left and headed for the front entrance of the store. Hermione's box started to blink rapidly as she got closer. She was careful to stay out of the group's sight. Patrick gave up on even asking what was going on and just decided to roll with whatever was happening. "Look, um, I know this isn't a good time to talk but I just want you to know that I'm really really sorry about what happened-"

She sighed as she put away the box and pulled out her wand. "There is no point to this. You couldn't do a thing about it and I'm not blaming you for it. I'm also sorry I dropped out without so much as a good-bye. You screw up a lot of things but what happened...wasn't your fault."

Patrick felt slightly better hearing this. "Thanks for saying that."

Hermione shrugged. "Now would you mind staying out of the way, please? This could get ugly."

He chuckled. "What are they gonna do? Read me some of their depressing poetry and bore me to death? C'mon, they're a bunch of-"

Just then a store employee, a guy in his early thirties, walked up to the goths. His bright blue shirt and smile made him stick out. "Hey, you guys looking for anything in particular?"

One of the goths, a tall guy, turned towards him as he reached into his coat. "Yeah, I want a look inside of that skull of yours."

The employee, still smiling, said, "I'm sorry, I don't underst-"

The back of his head exploded outwards. The employee's brains splattered a woman in her mid forties as she screamed in terror before being shot in her left eye. The tall goth had pulled out a revolver and started shooting indiscriminately at everyone while the other two pulled out a shotguns and blasted away. One of them turned towards Patrick, who stood there in stunned silence, and aimed at him. Hermione pushed him down to the ground as the shelf behind them got shredded by a shell. "Jesus fucking Christ, what-"

Hermione interrupted him and pushed him away from her. "Get out of here! I'll take care of them! Go call the police!"

Patrick crawled away as Hermione vanished into thin air.

* * *

 

Erwin was at the video game section when he heard the shots echoing throughout the store, hearing more gunfire from the front entrance. "What the fuck-"

A goth dude wielded a sawed off double barrel shotgun, blasting away at the people around him. He stopped to reload his weapon as another goth covered him by firing off shots. Erwin ran for cover, heading into the McDonalds section of the store and leapt over the counter. Two employees, a teen girl with strawberry blonde hair that had a pink streak running through it and an old black guy with a beard, crouched down in fear. She nearly screamed but the black guy covered her mouth. Erwin raised his hands up. "It's okay, I'm not one of the shooters."

"Ohmygodwhat'shappeningamIgonnadie-"

The black guy cut her off. "Kirsty, you have to keep your voice down or else they'll hear us."

The teen sniffled, tears streaming down her face. Erwin felt his heart beating rapidly. Fucking what the hell is going on. _Mass shooters? Fuck me, this is bad. Wait, where the fuck is Patrick?_ More shots were fired, causing the teen and black dude to flinch. Erwin reached into the back of his pants and pulled out a pocketknife. The black guy stared at him incredulously. "What the hell are you going to do with that?"

"I don't know but it seems better than nothing. Have you called the cops yet?" Erwin peeked over the counter and spotted one of the goths heading towards the McDonalds.

Shit.

He crouched back down a bit too rapidly and knocked over some plastic forks, making too much noise. "Fuck, my bad. Uh I think one of em is heading this way and you should leave like now."

The teen started to cry as the black guy tried shushing her. Erwin held his pocketknife at the ready. _I'm gonna die and they're gonna die. Fuck, I don't want to die._

The goth peeked over the counter, his shotgun aimed squarely at Erwin, eyeliner and black lipstick sticking out from the paleface. His eyes revealed no emotions. Fingers squeezing the trigger-

"Hey fuckface!" The goth turned towards whoever said that and Erwin heard a heavy **thwack** , a guy gurgling, and a thud as a body hit the floor. Several seconds passed and Patrick peeked over the counter. "Everyone okay?"

Erwin let out his breath and thought of something clever to say but instead he said, "I'm good."

"Erwin? Shit, thank God you're alive. C'mon, we gotta go help Hermione and-"

"What? No way, I'm getting the fuck out of here. We're both getting out, man! Don't act like a retard, man, let's go!"

The black guy spoke up. "I agree with the white boy. We need to leave now."

Erwin stood up and saw that Patrick, looking queasy, held a bloody snow shovel in his hands. The goth was lying down, a pool of blood forming around his head. He dropped it and went to the goth, picking up the shotgun, and rifled through his pockets to find some other weapons. "Patrick, don't do this. You aren't in a movie. You're gonna fucking die and-"

Patrick looked up at him as he finished picking out more shells for the shotgun. "Fine then. Leave if you're not going to help. But I'm not leaving her alone."

"Do you even hear yourself?! She's a fucking witch. With godlike powers and other crazy shit. You'd be slowing her down," Erwin said as the goth moved, pulling out a small pistol.

"I'm going to kill you cunts and skullfuck your mouths," said the goth as he fired off a shot, barely missing Patrick's head. He screamed and dropped the shotgun. Erwin dived for it, scooping it up, and aimed at the goth's head. "How about you skullfuck yourself, faggot!"

Erwin fired both barrels and disintegrated the goth's head, spraying the floor with his brains. Only his bottom jaw was left as it spurted blood. Nobody said anything for a couple seconds before the teenage girl puked on the counter. After she finished vomiting, she picked up a bunch of napkins, wiped her mouth, and said, "That's really homophobic, you jerk. I have a gay brother."

Erwin got to his feet and blew the smoke from the barrels of the shotgun. "You're welcome, by the way."

Patrick nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that was uncalled for, man. You could have just left it out."

The black guy spoke up. "I don't wanna sound ungrateful, but that was probably in bad taste."

Erwin threw his hands up, waving the shotgun around and causing the black guy and the teen to flinch. "Are you fucking with me? Seriously, I just saved your asses and this is how you repay me!? I don't hate the gays!"

"Erwin, just a small tip, when you say the gays, it's not helping your case, man."

"Forget the tip, you guys are giving me the shaft. Fucking unbelievable. C'mon, let's go and help out your girlfriend, Patrick." Erwin popped out the empty shells from the shotgun and reloaded it.

"But I thought-"

Erwin turned around and said, "Dude, you are the most likely to die. I'm going to keep you from dying like a retard."

The teen spoke up. "You really shouldn't say the R word. It's not politically correct."

Erwin snapped at her. "I can say that word because my friend here happens to be a huge, certified retard. He was in Special Ed in elementary and middle school and he took the short bus. And you just saw him spaz out by dropping the shotgun and nearly killing us. So yeah, he's a retard. Now where is Emma?"

Patrick stuttered at him before replying. "Dude, what did I just say? Never mind. She's in the back of the store. With three of these assholes gunning for her. Uh, I don't have a weapon."

Erwin gestured with the shotgun towards the pistol, a Glock, in the dead goth's hand. "Got one right there." He started to take off. Patrick went over to the goth and picked up the Glock as he gagged from the gory mess where his head used to be. He turned to the teen and the black guy. "In case anyone ever asks, could you leave out the little detail where I screamed like a little girl. It wouldn't look good for me. And the other thing about me being in Special Ed. Okay?"

They stared at him. Patrick nodded. "Uh okay, have a nice day, I mean, just stay safe...I'm leaving now."

And he took off after Erwin.

* * *

 

Hermione Granger cussed under her breath as she evaded the goth kids, crouching low and hiding behind the lawnmower. She kept her wand at the ready. The two goths were gunning for her in the hardware section of the store. I could use the Killing Curse on them. She stopped herself. That would make her no different than the killers. She heard footsteps coming in her direction.

"No killing. I can't do it. I won't." She whispered to herself. She peeked around the lawnmower and found one of the shooters nearby, his back turned towards her. She aimed her wand and cast _Petrificus Totalus_ on him. The tip of her wand flashed and the shooter became rigidly still before falling down on the ground.

"Well, that was easy." She said before she heard a shotgun being pumped behind her. She immediately used the Disapparition charm and teleported herself towards the other end of the hardware section as she heard the shotgun blast from the other side. The goth, 35 yards away, whipped around and fired again. Hermione disapparated again, dodging another blast, appearing behind him. He turned around and she used _Expelliarmus_ to disarm him. The shotgun was flung out of his hands but he dived to the side, pulling out two Glock pistols and firing a barrage at her, only to miss her as she disapparated again. He stood up again, firing random shots. He saw some movement behind a shelf and fired his pistols simultaneously, forcing Hermione to keep disapparating.

Hermione had disapparated to the furniture section, hiding behind a desk. She couldn't get a clear shot at the second shooter since he kept moving around and firing constantly.

"I know who you are, bitch. The man in my dreams warned me about you. Said to keep an eye out for you. And I'm making sure it stays that way." The goth shouted before he fired his Glock pistols at the tables, cabinets, and desks in the furniture section. A bullet went through the desk that Hermione hid behind, nearly missing her head. She was going to have use drastic measures. She pointed her wand over the desk and started casting _Incendio_ at anything. The goth shouted as she heard flames crackling, burning the furniture. She disapparated to into the bed section and cast more of the fire-making spell in the direction of the goth. Hermione had lit up the whole section as the fire increased and burned everything. _A little excessive but it got the job done._

Just then, the goth burst out of the flames, screaming in agony and fury, and firing his pistols. His coat had caught on fire but that didn't seem to stop him. Hermione cast several Stupefy spells at him but he dove for cover behind a bed. He fired over the bed, shooting up the other beds, as feathers flew up in air. She fired several more Stupefy spells, bolts of red light tearing the air and the beds. He leaped over the bed as Hermione cast _Mobiliarbus_ on the bed, sending it into the ceiling, crushing the shooter. It crashed back down, as the shooter bounced off it upon impact and hit the floor. His limbs were broken, some of sticking through the skin, as he lay unconscious. Hermione panted, shaking off the adrenaline, as she walked up to him. He was breathing erratically but she didn't care as she picked up the guns and took them apart, leaving nothing to chance, crouched next to him and took out his knife. She chucked it and cast _Reducto_ on it. Then she made her way to the furniture section, the sprinklers activating and trying to put out the fire. She cast _Aguamenti_ on the flames, to make it easier for the sprinklers, water spraying from her wand. _Who was he talking about? The man in his dreams? This doesn't make sense._ At least there was only two shooters left and she hoped that Patrick took her advice and left.

Several gunshots from the back of the other store proved otherwise. "Fuck. That idiot is botching things up already!"

She apparated to the back and found herself nearly under fire as the tall goth fired his revolver at Patrick and Erwin, who were firing back erratically from behind a shelf. The TV section was swathed in blood and the tall goth had taken off his coat and shirt, showing off his scars, parallel lines that looked vaguely familiar. Erwin got a shot off and hit him right in the chest, knocking the tall goth back against the TV's.

"Bullseye motherfucker! That oughta teach these faggots not to fuck with me!" Erwin shouted as Patrick shook his head.

"Dude, seriously, you have got to stop saying that. It's not cool and it really doesn't make you sound badass or funny." Patrick said.

"And I keep telling you I mean it in the South Park way, Patrick. When I say faggots, what I really mean is the fuckers who make life shitty and miserable for the rest of us. Just like this faggot here!"

Patrick sighed loudly. "The word is never going to mean what you say and it makes you sound like a twelve year old kid who plays Call of Duty non-stop."

Erwin glared at him. "That's a low-blow, Patrick. I play real video games. Don't even put me in with those faggots."

"Fuck it, I'm done arguing the point. I'm shutting it down, I'm shutting this conversation down." Patrick spotted Hermione on the other side. "Hey! I told you we'd have your back!"

"I never said I would have her back. You're the only one who thought she couldn't take care of herself. And you call me a sexist all the time because you think I don't believe women can take care of themselves. Yeah, well who's the sexist now?"

Patrick snapped at Erwin. "And I call you a misogynist too because you keep making unfunny rape jokes all the fucking time. And the only reason you think she can take care of herself is the fact that she has godlike powers! That's probably not enough to take on the friggin' bad guys...shit, that came out wrong, Hermione, sorry! I didn't mean that you can't take care of yourself, it's just that it wouldn't hurt if you had some back-up, uh right?"

Erwin raised his hands and called out to her. "He said it. Not me, I'm not the one being a chauvinist right now. He is. I just want it on the record that I totally thought you had this under control and that I tried dragging him out. But he acted like a retard and tried to getting himself killed. The fact that you blew up half the store taking out the other faggots is proof enough that you didn't need help. And now the sprinklers are on and my clothes are wet and a bunch of faggots were trying to kill me today. Because this retard didn't know any better."

Hermione, already exasperated by the sheer display of idiocy, sighed and turned toward the dead tall goth. The body wasn't there anymore. "What the f-"

A bone rattling voice thundered through the store.

**"THE TIME HAS COME FOR HIM TO CROSS OVER. HE WILL FEAST ON YOUR CORPSES, RAPE YOUR BABIES TO DEATH, MAKE YOUR FAMILIES FALL INTO HATRED AND DESPAIR, TEAR THE SKY ASUNDER, AND GIVE NEW MEANING TO FEAR."**

Erwin picked at his ear with his pinky and said, "You gonna have to speak up because I didn't catch that."

The HDTV that had compression artefact now showed the tall goth or rather what was left of him. His skin was melting off as something bulged under it.

Patrick aimed his gun at the screen. "No way, shit for brains."

Just then Hermione realized what the TV was. A door or window into another world. But to what she didn't know until now. The way the tall goth's scarring looked reminded her of a particular boogeyman.

"No, Patrick don't shoot at the-"

It was too late as Patrick fired a shot at the TV. It shattered but instead of the image going out, _it slid into reality._

* * *

 

The mass of bubbling flesh writhed on the floor as the skin slopped off. It stood up and the last piece of skin sloughed off, revealing Freddy Krueger. The burnt skin on his skull pulsated, as if something else was trying to break out through Freddy's body. His trademark fedora, striped sweater, and clawed hands were all there.

"Shit! Nice going, Patrick, you really fucked the goose this time, man." Erwin said as he aimed his shotgun at Freddy and fired. The pellets tore through the flesh but it didn't knock him down. Freddy cackled as he pointed at one of the corpses from the massacre. It twitched and stood up, as the dead employee who had his brains blown out now rose up and started towards Erwin. Several more bodies began moving. Patrick started shooting at the reanimated corpse running towards them.

"Dude, I can't believe we're fighting-"

"DON'T SAY IT, ERWIN, DON'T SAY THE FUCKING Z-WORD. I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DO." Patrick fired his Glock and the employee got shot in the head a second time.

Hermione simply cast _Incendio_ at the moving dead bodies but the sprinklers set the fires out. So she used _Reducto_ on them, due to the fact that they were just moving solid masses of flesh. The results were spectacular as the lights from the spells flashed through the air and the bodies exploded into red giblets. She kept casting it repeatedly, mowing down the living dead.

"Fucking A, she's got this. But we gotta get out of here, Patrick, away from these zombies!" Erwin fired his last shell at the head of a zombie and it burst into pieces.

"Dammit, Erwin, what did I fucking say?! I said to not use that word!" Patrick fired several times before it clicked on empty and then he threw it at the zombies.

"Okay, do you want me to call them undead faggots then?"

Patrick groaned as he ran to the front of the store. The last goth was firing into the zombies, created by him, but they overtook him and tore him to pieces as the goth screamed in agony.

"You reap what you sow, faggot!" Erwin shouted at the dying goth as he pushed a zombie out of the way, dropping his shotgun, and running through the front doors.

Outside, it was all chaos as the local police and SWAT units had their hands full with the zombies. They hadn't yet realized that they weren't people who were wounded. And then shots were fired, culminating in a fusillade into a cluster of zombies. Patrick and Erwin ducked out of the way and hid behind some cars as the SWAT's submachine gunfire rattled through air.

"Shit! What the fuck do we do now!" Patrick yelled above the din of gunshots.

"WHAT?"

"I said, what do we do now?"

"What do we do now, Patrick?" Erwin shouted, not noticing Patrick shaking his head in annoyance. He yanked Erwin's sleeve and pointed at the parking lot entrance. Erwin nodded and crawled along with Patrick, staying out of the way from the police.

Suddenly Erwin slumped down, screaming in pain, as he grabbed his shoulder. A stray bullet had hit him and Patrick pointed at the armored SWAT van. "Quick, in there!"

He dragged his friend as the battle raged on and they leaped in the back, closing the doors. Erwin rocked back and forth as his shoulder bled as Patrick looked at it.

"How bad is it?" Erwin said as blood ran profusely from the gaping, bloody hole in his back.

"Uh, it's not so bad..."

Erwin yelled in pain again, gritted his teeth and glared at Patrick. "You're a shitty fucking liar, you know that, right?"

"What do you want me to say, that it's the size of a golf ball?!"

"What the fuck, really?! I didn't know it was that bad! Why the fuck would you tell me that!?"

"I didn't say it was bad! And you asked!" Patrick tried to lean Erwin back but he screamed in more pain.

"Just-just stop, okay, please. You've done enough to fuck up my day. Now, I'm going to pass out here and hope that I die while I'm unconscious."

Something moved in the front seat. Erwin groaned as he and Patrick turned towards where the sound came from. "Now what?"

An EMT peeked over the seat. "Oh thank God, I thought you were one of them. Hey, is your friend all right there?"

Erwin winced as he held a hand over his wound. "Actually, I'm perfectly fine so no need to worry about me at all."

The EMT looked confused. "Uh...okay, I should probably take a look at that."

"YEAH YOU DO THAT."

* * *

 

"REDUCTO, REDUCTO, REDUCTO, REDUCTO, REDUCTO, REDUCTO, REDUCTO!" Hermione didn't even bother casting nonverbally as she blasted the zombies away with her wand. Two of them jumped at her and she cast her spell twice, decapitating one and bifurcating the other. The sprinkler system made the floor slippery as the blood from the obliterated zombies covered the entire floor. The bifurcated zombie didn't stop going after her as the upper half crawled towards her. She obliterated the zombie's head with a flick of her wand.

And then the SWAT unit, who had been fighting their way into their store, came upon the scene with their guns blazing. Hermione dove for cover behind the McDonald's counter as they fired indiscriminately, not sure who wasn't human and who wasn't a zombie. The shelves were being shot to pieces, zombies being pelted with bullets as blood spurted from the gunshot wounds, and the floor running red with blood. Stuck between the guncrazy police and the ravenous zombie horde, she muttered fuck several times over and over.

"Fuck me, this is about as bad as it gets." Hermione said to herself.

And then it got worse.

Freddy showed up, arms outstretched and walking ever so slowly towards the phalanx of the SWAT team. The shooting hadn't even fazed the infamous villain at all. He got so close to the SWAT team that he swiped away at one and slit his throat. The poor bastard gurgled as he wandered away from the phalanx before being impaled by Freddy's claws through the back. Freddy lifted him with his one arm and flung him towards the McDonald's. The dead SWAT flew over the counter and slammed into the deep fryer, his head dipping into the boiling grease as the flesh began to be burned. Hermione felt herself nearly gagging at the horrifying sight as the stench overwhelmed her. Just then, she saw movement in the back and two other people peeked from the fridge door. A small, dainty hand waved her in and Hermione crawled past the dead body of the SWAT guy.

Only for an arm to shoot out and grab her throat. Hermione gagged as the zombified SWAT raised its head, the skin bubbling with blisters from grease burns. She pointed her wand at the face and yelled, "REDUCTO."

It was instantaneous as the head exploded, spraying her with blood and brains. It felt warm and some of it got into her mouth, the blood tasting like copper. She spat it out, wrested the hand from her throat, and scampered into the walk-in freezer.

"Shut that fucking door, shut it now!" A man's voice shouted. The door was slammed shut and the chaos of carnage and gunfire was muffled. Hermione still tasted the blood so she kept spitting until the taste went away. And then she took a deep breath as her eyes were shut. Then she opened them and looked at a young blonde girl who appeared to be in her teens, a pink streak running through her hair, and an older black man with graying hair. They were staring at her in disgust and she didn't know why until she touched her face and drew back her bloody hands.

"Oh God." Hermione started wiping her face roughly to get rid of the blood. _I can't get it off, I can't I can't I can't I CAN'T._

"Hey, uh, here's a water bottle-" The blonde girl didn't finish her sentence as Hermione pointed her wand at it, used the Levitation Charm, and levitated the bottle right into her free hand. She poured it all over her face, scrubbing to get rid of any lingering traces of blood. When she was done, the black man and young girl now had an expression of fear on their faces.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you," Hermione said but they seemed unconvinced. She couldn't blame them, after all of the insanity that's still going on, someone with magic would definitely put them on edge.

"What are you? You look like one of those kids who were shooting up the place." The black man said as he held up a kitchen knife. Hermione realized that with her disguise on, they would be afraid of her. She slowly raised her hands up and said, "Believe me when I say that I have nothing to do with that lot. If anything, I was trying to prevent them from committing mass murder. But as you can see, it hasn't gone too well. Now if you would be kind enough to put down that knife, I can show you two the way out."

The black man didn't seem convinced but the blonde girl knelt by Hermione. "I think she's telling the truth, Jack. Okay, whoever you are-"

"Hermione Granger. Pleased to meet you."

"Name's Andrea. Hermione, what's your plan on getting us out?" Hermione contemplated on how to explain it to them before she decided to just outright say it.

"I can teleport the three of us out of here with just a flick of my wand." Hermione said, using a word that most muggles would be familiar with as opposed to Apparate.

"It's that simple, huh? Well, why didn't you do that to begin with then." Jack said.

"I wanted to make sure everybody got out. And the two of you are probably the only ones still stuck here except for the police. Now, do you want to catch pneumonia or shall we leave?"

"This is crazy. How-"

"Look, do you want to get out or not?" Hermione said. She stood up and held out her hand to Andrea. "Hold onto my hand and you hold onto Jack's. Go on, do it."

When the three of them were ready, Jack spoke up. "This is really stupid."

Hermione worried about splinching but she had no other alternative. "Jack, Andrea, I want you to visualize where you want to go and focus on that visual as hard as you can. Preferably somewhere not too far but enough distance between here and our destination."

"The sprinter station. That's far enough for me. Jack, what do you say?" Andrea said, glancing towards Jack. He merely shrugged.

"Good enough for me."

Hermione visualized the sprinter station and concentrated hard. "Get ready. Also, you might be a little sick."

Jack said something but he was cut off as the three Apparated out of the store-

-and onto the sprinter platform, in front of commuters as they goggled at a middle aged black guy, a white teenage girl, and a blood spattered goth suddenly appear out of thin air. Jack keeled over and vomited while Andrea made a gagging noise. Hermione felt an uneasy feeling but that was normal with Side Along Apparition.

"Fuck, that felt like going through a small tunnel made of rubber," Jack said as he wiped his mouth.

Hermione looked over at Andrea, who made a thumbs up sign to show that she was holding up while covering her mouth with the other. She heard an explosion in the distance. The people at the platform turned to the direction of the sound and she could hear several gasps. Smoke billowed up from the direction of the store. Hermione dreaded going back but she knew that nobody could stop Krueger. _I'm the only thing standing between Freddy Krueger's horde of zombies and humanity._ Hermione sighed to herself. _And that was an actual thought I had. What has become of my life._

Hermione was about to Disapparate when she stopped and said to Jack and Andrea, "Well, wish me luck."

"Lady, I hope I never see you ever again in my life," said Jack.

"Good luck," said Andrea.

* * *

 

Hermione vanished into thin air again, back into the storm.

The EMT finished up patching Erwin's shoulder. Patrick sat in silence as he thought about how much he had fucked up. Well, it was bound to happen again sooner or later. Guess it was sooner. Erwin nearly got killed, Hermione might be dead and if she isn't, she probably hates my guts. And I may have caused the end of the world.

"Hey Erwin, you were right, man. I am a retard. I don't think I could have messed up even more than that time I brought that airsoft gun to school."

Erwin, though medicated, looked at Patrick. "Nah. To be fair, even though you fucked over the world, you did it with good intentions. And I would still have your back."

Patrick sniffled a bit. Either his friend was really high or he was finally being cool with him because they were going to die. "Thanks, I really appreciate hearing that. Really wished we could have watched Trancers though."

"Ha, no thanks. I'd rather die, which might be soon, than watch another shitty movie with you. Besides, the only Blu-ray player nearby is in the store and-"

And then dawned on Patrick that they could still save the world and Hermione. He looked down at the Blu-ray case of Trancers. "Erwin, you magnificent bastard. I know what we're gonna do next."

Erwin closed his eyes. "Ah shit, you have a plan, don't you?"

* * *

 

Diane: Good evening, I'm Diane Stillson and this is your KTLA 5 Local News, with a breaking news story that is happening now. Our correspondent Dan Barnes is at the scene live with a chopper. Dan, are you there?

Dan: Yes, Diane, and it is a scene of total chaos as SWAT units and local law enforcement officials are locked into a relentless battle with what appears to be a group of individuals exhibiting cannibalistic tendencies. And-oh my God, are you catching this?

[Footage of a SWAT van speeding across the parking lot as it crashes through the front entrance]

Dan: It seems the SWAT units have decided to go with a daring plan and drive right into the store.

[Footage of a police chopper flying over the store only for it to fall onto the rooftop. It crashes through, causing a massive hole]

Dan: Oh my God. Did you get that? Fly us in closer. Okay, it-what? It turns out that the SWAT van has been commandeered by two men in their early twenties. And one of them, the tall one, seems to be wounded but standing up fine. He's armed with a SWAT submachine gun and is firing, with one arm I believe, on the attackers while the other is wielding a Japanese sword?! I think it's a katana of sorts. Oh, he just cut down one of the attackers and is making his way through to the electronics section.

[Footage of the individuals fighting their way through the horde of violent attackers. The one holding the gun looks up and flips the bird at the camera. The other one with the katana runs to a video recording device]

Dan: The shorter man is trying to put something in the...DVD player? He's plugged it into one of the TV's. He's put the DVD in...okay, now he's been jumped by one of the attackers and is fighting him off. They're struggling and-wait, the short individual has knocked off the assailant and Oh Lord, he decapitated him! Now he's focusing on the DVD player again and-

[Footage at this point is rendered fuzzy as a bright light flashes from the TV before coming back to normal again. Now there are two more individuals]

Dan: Two more individuals have joined the fray. A dark haired man with a chainsaw and a shotgun and he's accompanied by an older man in a trenchcoat who has a hairdryer?! The man with the chainsaw seems confused as to the events happening around him. He's talking with the shorter man as the latter is waving his hands around. The dark haired man nods and is shrugging before helping the younger man fight off the attackers. The older man is shooting his hairdryer and there's a thin beams of light emanating from it. Is this a new weapon from law enforcement?!

[Footage shows the two older men side by side taking down several of the attackers. The dark haired man with the chainsaw cleaves one of the attackers in half, spraying blood everywhere. The older man is firing his weapon until one of the attackers leaps onto his back. The man with the chainsaw gestures for him to hold still as he aims his shotgun at the other man, to shoot the attacker. The older man shakes his head in vehement disagreement, clearly not happy with the other's idea. The man with the shotgun shoots at the attacker anyway, knocking both the older man and the attacker down. The old man gets back up and seems extremely distressed with the other man]

Dan: Wow, this is extremely violent footage. Viewers with young ones at home may want to change the channel due to the extreme graphic images. Wait a minute...who is that young girl?

[Footage of a girl in dark clothing firing technicolor beams of light at the attacker, causing them to explode in red mist. The man with the chainsaw starts attacking her but the short guy stands between them. The older man in the coat keeps firing his strange weapon. The man with the chainsaw lowers his shotgun tentatively before pushing the short guy out of the way and firing at the girl. The girl doesn't seemed fazed by the blast and transforms into an individual wearing a fedora and wielding a clawed hands. The attackers gathered around the man with the fedora, seemingly protecting him. The same girl dark clothing then comes into view from a different direction, firing technicolor beams at the clawed man]

Dan: Uh, what the fuck...I can't believe what I just saw. Knew I shouldn't have drank on the job today.

Cameraman off-screen: You're still on the air, Dan.

Dan: Oh shit!

* * *

 

"Hey asshole, anyone ever tell you that burnt victim look is in bad taste?" said Ash Williams as he cranked up his chainsaw arm and raised his double barrel shotgun at the infamous serial killer. Jack Deth, a scar running down the left side of his face, groaned in annoyance. Ash glanced in his direction. "You got something you wanna share with the group?"

"I'm not the type to open up and share my feelings with a therapist bot," Jack said as he leveled his Heater and .38 Special at Freddy Krueger.

"Oh, we got a real tough guy here. All machismo and no heart. You gotta let the ladies know that you have a bit of a sensitivity. That way, they'll fall madly in love with you."

"Holy shit, Ash, how did you know Hermione was actually one of Freddy's disguises?!" Patrick exclaimed in awe.

Ash smirked. "I didn't, kiddo."

Jack spoke up. "Don't mean to-"

Patrick looked aghast. "Uh, excuse me? You mean, even if it was my actual friend, you would have shot her anyway?!"

Jack tried interjecting again. "How about we have this conversation some-"

"Look at it from my point of view, Pablo-"

"Patrick."

"-Exactly. I see a girl who's dressed up like she's ready for Halloween and shooting laser beams from her stick. Does that look like a trustworthy individual to you?"

"Well, when you put it that way, I guess..."

"I think I rest my case. Now where were we oh shit!"

Freddy Krueger's zombie horde had gathered around him. Jack said, "Just thought you should know that we're surrounded."

Ash shrugged. "Doesn't matter, we'll just cut-"

Several beams of light cut through the zombie horde as Hermione fired several _Reducto_ spells at them. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING STANDING AROUND LIKE A BUNCH OF WANKERS. FUCKING DO SOMETHING."

"Get the bitch! She'll be my new toy,' Freddy growled as the zombies went after her. The rest went after the two heroes and the two schlubs with them.

"They're gonna overwhelm us!" Patrick shouted as he cut down one of them with the wakizashi he picked up in the special items store.

"You maybe but I'm walking out of here today." Ash said as he bifurcated a zombie with his chainsaw, spraying gore everywhere, while shooting another in the head. Jack fired his Heater and 38. Special into the horde, chewing on a toothpick.

Erwin held the MP5 subgun sideways. "Chinese Bandit Shooting, bitches!"

He used the recoil of the gun to sweep the horde, cutting down several zombies. But one of them grabbed him, jamming its thumb into his wound and causing it to spurt blood. He screamed in pain as he bashed the barrel of the MP5 into the zombie's eye.

He pulled the trigger, blowing out the back of its skull.

Patrick cut through the zombies to get to Hermione. And then he got dragged down. Oh shit, this is how I'm gonna die.

A sickly green light filled his vision as it hit Krueger. He grunted...and didn't fall to the ground. It took Patrick several seconds to realize that Hermione, pushed to her limits, cast the Killing Curse. And it failed to do anything to Freddy Krueger.

Suddenly, a door appeared out of nowhere and it opened. What the hell-

A deep sounding shotgun blast echoed throughout the demolished store as an old, ponytailed man with a receding hairline and an ice cream vendor suit with a black vest, holding a quad barrelled shotgun and wearing a bag on his back, walked through the door that appeared out of thin air. The zombies that held Patrick down collapsed, shot by the ice cream vendor.

"What the hell...what is even-"

Ash interrupted the ice cream vendor. "Hey, if you're not too busy jerking around, how about a little help?"

The ice cream vendor quickly reloaded his awesome weapon and moved out of the way. "Listen, we have to close that door quick or the Tall Man will come through!"

Ash, cleaving a zombie head with his chainsaw, said, "Well that's interesting, old timer, and all but I don't have time to hear about your friend's height-"

The ice cream vendor cut him off as he fired his quad shotgun at the zombies, knocking a whole bunch back. "The name is Reggie and the Tall Man ain't no friend of mine and he's gonna rain on everyone's parade if that door isn't-"

A tall, imposing pale man in a black suit walked through the door where Reggie the ice cream vendor, who said shit, had walked through. He may have looked extremely old but there was something immediately off about him. The zombies backed away from him and everyone went quiet. He scanned the wrecked store before his eyes landed on Reggie. In a cold voice full of malevolence, he said, "You have something that belongs to me."

"The hell you say, I'm not letting you get Mike, you sonofabitch!" Reggie shouted, the bag on his back quivering. "You're not-"

"It's okay, Reg, just let me go and you'll be safe." The voice came from the bag. Reggie unshouldered the bag and opened it. A golden sphere the size of a softball floated out.

"Mike, I'm not letting that Tall Bastard get a hold of you. You can make it, we can make it." Reggie's voice wavered, on the verge of a breakdown.

"Reg, you have to let go. Live to fight another day. Maybe even move on and start a new family." The sphere said

"Mike, I can't because you're the only family I got." Now Reggie started crying. The sphere started to float away from him. Reggie pointed his quad shotgun at the Tall Man.

"Reggie, don't do this." The sphere floated towards the Tall Man's face. "I won't go unless you take that guy away from here. That's the least you can do for the people here."

The Tall Man looked straight at Freddy Krueger. The boogeyman stared back, holding his claws up.

"Now why would you think I would do that, Michael?"

"You forced me to do this." The golden sphere zipped towards Freddy, a high pitched whirring noise echoing in the store, as it jammed itself right in his mouth. It shifted its form as small blades jutted out and shredded his mouth and made its way into his throat. Hermione put a hand over her mouth and the others looked away in disgust. Ash merely said, "Well that's just gross."

The Tall Man made a motion with his hand and several other spheres, their color in silver, flew out of the door and towards Krueger. The silver spheres popped wicked looking claws and penetrated all over Freddy's body. Then drills popped from the spheres and started digging into his flesh. Freddy's screams of pain were choked off due to the golden sphere stuck in his throat, shredding his vocal cords, as the silver spheres lifted him and took him through the doorway as The Tall Man followed.

The door slammed and vanished into thin air.

The zombies all fell down, having lost their master.

Erwin was lying down on the linoleum floor, groaning in pain he put his hand on his shoulder, his wound was open again.

Jack Deth took out a carton of cigarettes and lit one up.

Reggie sobbed as he sat on the floor, his weapon next to him.

Hermione standing around, hands on her head, breathing out loud in relief.

Patrick getting up and flicking the wakizashi of its blood, shaking from the adrenaline overload.

Ash shrugging and killing his chainsaw as it sputtered before saying, "Well, that happened."

A piece of the ceiling fell down and crashed against the wrecked chopper.

* * *

 

Hermione had apparated all of them out of the now demolished Allmart, to police questioning. Erwin called for a ride as Hermione healed his wound completely.

"No, we need two cars. We got more company. Yeah, Patrick decided to be a retard and-ow!" Hermione smacked the back of his head.

"Maybe you shouldn't call him that, Erwin. He may have bollocksed the whole thing up but at least he tried salvaging the situation." Hermione turned to Patrick as he held the wakizashi, sheathed in its crimson scabbard, giving him a look that was a mixture of gratitude and mock annoyance. "What am I going to do with you, Patrick?"

"I don't know but you'll think of something," Patrick said as he grimaced a bit. Ash looked over and commented. "Yeah, you'll be feeling THAT in the morning. Live it up, kiddo."

Ash walked over to Reggie. "Hey, I'm sorry you lost your friend who happened to be a floating sphere thingy."

"Uh thanks. He wasn't always like that but the Tall Man made him that way. I'm gonna find him, kill the Tall Man, and save Mike." Reggie looked at him and said, "Didn't catch your name."

"It's Ash. Ash Williams. So that Tall Dude must be a real piece of work."

Reggie looked at the sunset, the sky turning purplish and golden. "You have no idea, man."

Jack Deth just stood around smoking his cigarette. Patrick came over to him. "Hey, uh, Mr. Deth. I just want to thank-"

Jack turned on him. "Listen here, squid, I just found out that my life has been nothing but a made up dream and that I'm a fictional creation. The fact that I'm the hero of my own story? What a joke. I've never stuck out my neck for nobody and I've killed too many people to be considered a hero."

"If that's the case, then why didn't you refuse?" Patrick wiped his nose. Jack shrugged. "I figured you guys don't need a Trancer infestation running around in your dimension."

"Bullshit, you did it because it was the right thing and you know it."

"Scram before I change my mind and singe you." Patrick held up his hands and backed away.

When Erwin's friends, Irwin and Tommy, came by in their truck and muscle car, the group drove to Brian's house.

Patrick, sighing to himself as he sat in the muscle car with Tommy, thinking that he, Erwin, and Hermione had been caught on camera. S _ooner or later, the cops are gonna arrest us and we'll be thrown in jail...well, me and Erwin. Hermione will probably just disappear again._

When they got to Brian's house at the edge of Escondido, Patrick was the first through the door. "Uh, Brian, here's the thing. We have more-"

Patrick didn't get to finish his sentence as a velociraptor tackled him. Patrick screamed like a little girl as the raptor started to lick face like a dog.

Irwin, Patrick's other friend who had a similar sounding name but the complete opposite of Erwin's personality, snapped at his pet raptor. "Hey! What did I tell you about guests, Thor? Get off. Go on, scat!"

The raptor looked up at Irwin and snarled. Irwin grabbed Thor's snout. "No. NO. Go play in the backyard."

The raptor got off Patrick and went out the back. Irwin helped Patrick up. "Sorry, Patrick. I told Rocky to keep an eye on Thor but apparently he was too busy practicing his boxing. Again."

As if on cue, Rocky Balboa walked into the living room. "Hey Patrick, how you doin'? Listen, Irwin, I know you told me to keep an eye on Thor but the guy is always moving, y'know how it is. Who's that?"

Rocky referred to the guests, Ash, Reggie, and Jack, walking through the front door and crashing on the couch. Rocky's face lit up as he recognized Hermione. "Hey Hermione is back! C'mere, let's have a hug."

Hermione smiled as they hugged. "Good to see you too, Mr. Balboa."

Rocky laughed. "Please, call me Rocky. I've missed ya."

"All right, Rocky. I've missed you too."

She excused herself and went to the bathroom. Rocky patted Patrick on the back. "See, I told you she'd come back, didn't I?"

Patrick nervously chuckled. "Yeah, yeah you did, Rocky."

Brian, a portly black dude, came from his room. "Dude, I saw you guys all over the news. That was some crazy shit!"

Erwin, who rubbed his newly healed shoulder, said, "Yeah, and this day would have been fine if this re-if Patrick here hadn't followed his head, if you know what I mean."

Patrick coughed out loud. "Erwin, you really need to uh keep your mouth shut, man."

Ash spoke up. "Ah, relax kiddo, everyone can see how you feel about that hot witch. Personally, she's a bit too young for me but she's definitely got eyes for you."

Patrick smiled. "You think?"

Ash broke out into laughter. "Oh hell no, I was just yanking your chain. She is way outta your league, man. Just...no."

Even Jack chuckled and Reggie smiled a bit, his thoughts somewhere else. Patrick's face burned from the embarrassment. Later that evening, Patrick and Rocky stood on the backyard patio. Rocky was drinking a beer and Patrick sipping his root beer.

"Is it really that obvious, Rocky? I mean, I've only told you."

"The way I see it, Patrick, you either tell her how you feel or you don't. Just go for it. The worse that can happen is that she turns you down."

Patrick sighed. "That's what I'm afraid of."

"It ain't the end of the world if she says no. Just means it ain't gonna happen." Rocky took a swig from his beer.

"Well, the world almost ended today and I almost died without telling her."

Rocky looked up at the stars. "Kid, some bad folks up there, in the dark spaces between the stars. They are planning to hurt us in ways that we can't even imagine. But for now, we're together and there ain't nothing that can slow us down."

Patrick sipped his root beer again. "You're right, Rocky. Thanks for the advice. I think I know what to do now."

He went inside to find Hermione, filled with a new purpose. Rocky looked up at the night sky. "Any time, kid. Any time.

And then Rocky went inside the house.

The End

[Closing Song: Droid Bishop - Nightland](https://youtu.be/WjLm77wunAk)


End file.
